… I recognized that there were two possible kinds of healing. Maybe I would experience a literal healing of my voice and be able to sing again. If that were the case, I’d go on with my artistic life as planned. If my voice couldn’t heal, though, I’d have to figure out how to heal my spirit.
Greta Morgan
For those who don’t know me, I am an artist who specializes in drawing. In the past the thought of using my sight or my right hand was something I rarely thought about. But as I got older, it has been an increasing concern. Aging, and that. I bet many artists of various mediums have thought about this too.
Beethoven losing his hearing. Monet having cataracts.
They must have had been a moment when the organ their craft depended on started to deteriorate, due to age or illness, and had the following thoughts….
“Can I continue?”
“Who am I without my craft?”
In 2020, musician Greta Morgan experienced such a moment, when she developed spasmodic dysphonia. Basically, the muscles that control her vocal cords developed spasms, affecting her ability to sing.
When my voice had first flickered out in Los Angeles, I sometimes felt a sense of inner brittleness and barrenness, as though my voice were so linked to my femininity, sexuality, and creativity that, without it, those other aspects of myself also disappeared.
Greta Morgan
This is the main anchor point of her first ever book, her memoir, titled The Lost Voice.
The first half of the book talks about her journey, from her childhood in Chicago and her first band, The Hush Sound, to touring with Vampire Weekend just before COVID. So far, a typical musician’s biography, full of love, heartache, and a predatory producer.
Then the spasms kick in. And the REAL story begins.
How a musician rediscovered her voice, after losing it.
They call it playing music, but I seemed to have forgotten the play part. I longed to remember how to create the way children do, without fear or hesitation or questions like Will other people like this? What does they say about me? Is this better than the music that so-and-so just released?
Greta Morgan
She had fallen in the trap of copying others instead of been herself. This was especially true when some called her “the next Joni Mitchell.”
I’d spent the first part of 2020 in vocal practise impersonating Dusty Springfield and Linda Ronstadt and Diana Ross and Tammi Terrell. When my voice was on a tender brink, an elastic band stretched to its limit, about to snap, I had belted out the songs of my idols. I’d longed for mine to be as powerful, as agile, as expressive, as soulful as theirs. I’d conjured this ideal version of voice, one just out of reach, and I imagined that with enough rigorous practice and dedication, that gap would close.
Greta Morgan
Her forced reset also coincides with a transition of maturity which happens when one enters their thirties. I had been in this transition myself. The once wild mind of a youngster becoming a more rigid, organized mind, after years of exposure to the real world of moral greys and bureaucracy. I found the following quote sum up that transition in an interesting way….
I used to be able to draw on dozens of sexual fantasies, but now all I could fantasize about was being held, leaning my head on the chest of a strong and steady partner, having my hair rucked behind my ears. I fantasized about drinking coffee in bed and reading aloud to a partner and holding hands while falling asleep.
Greta Morgan
Her journey of rediscovery is worthwhile read, starring the Utah desert and Leonard Cohen. A worthwhile read for any artist whose going through a self-challenging phase bought on by illness or relationships.
I’ll leave this review with the following quotes from songwriter Mary Gauthier, who also stars in Greta’s journey.
If my voice isn’t shaking the first time I play a new song live, I’m not being honest enough.”
“If you’re not afraid when you play a song live for the first time, you’re either insane or you’re not saying anything meaningful.”
Greta Morgan’s first book, The Lost Voice, is out now.
Greta Morgan: Website | Instagram
Review by Gordon Wallace
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